Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I’m not talking THE Ohio State University.
But I digress with that hint o’ schadenfreude so loathe am I to face reality. But I cannot ignore my own failings any longer, as I face a season on the brink.
Last weekend I was 1-4, the worst slate ever in the history of SDKPPP. 30-25 for the season. Woe is me.
So, I’ve taken the steps that any right thinking head coach on the Dead Man Walking list would take. I’ve fired my entire staff. I’ve scrapped my system and gone back to the drawing board. I cleaned out my hard drive. Put new batteries in my wireless mouse and keyboard. Taken a meeting with Joey the Vig in search of encouraging words. Listened to tapes of Nick Saban’s press conferences for the last decade. Asked Jim Bakker for a special blessing. Donned a hair shirt with the logo of every school Lane Kiffin has coached.
I am not deterred. I forge ahead.
This week’s winners:
Georgia @ Auburn. Now this one is Real Big Time Football. At least that’s what the Paul Finebaum acolytes would have us believe. At least the ones who don’t own 75 Roll Damn Tide ballcaps. And, truth be told, they’d be right with this one this season, though we’re really tired of hearing how good the SEC is. Kirby Smart appears the real deal. His Bulldogs haven’t lost. Even left South Bend after delivering a haymaker to TD Jesus. But, Auburn is not, as my mother would say, chopped liver. The Plainsmen’s only two Ls were in Death Valley I and Death Valley II. So topsy turvy has this season turned out, I’m thinking another spoiler is upon us. Toomer gets toilet papered.
Iowa @ Wisconsin. Here’s a battle between a couple B10 schools that always seem misunderestimated on the gridiron. The Hawkeyes appear to beat some top squad every year. At least when they play them in Iowa City. The Buckeyes last weekend. The Wolverines last season. But this encounter with the undefeated and underappreciated and — some say — untested Badgers is at Camp Randall. Where, it must be pointed out, Iowa won during its magical ’15 campaign. Wisconsin’s signature W of its nine this year was over, uh, well, nobody really. OK, Northwestern. In regulation. The Badgers have been consistently excellent for half a decade now, without much acclaim. Which the Big Cheese Nation craves. Wisconsin. Meaning they’ll be celebrating in New Glarus at Glarner Stube, home of the world’s largest urinal.
Notre Dame @ Miami. How did this ever get scheduled? We’ve all seen the 30 for 30. Oh yeah, the Irish are obligated to play so many ACC schools every season, even though they remain :independent” but capable of stealing a league bowl slot. And, begosh and begorren, this turns out to be a legit Top 10 battle. Notre Dame lost only once, by a single digit, to the top team in the country. Miami’s record is unblemished, and somewhat enhanced after besting the Hokies last week. Because ND always always always gets the benefit of the doubt, and because the punditocracy still doesn’t fully believe in the ‘Canes, the South Benders are looked upon as faves, even though the game is in FLA. Because, Mark Richt is a nice dude, and Brian Kelly is a putz. Convicts.
Kentucky @ Vanderbilt. The Wildcats always do what they always do, thus UK is never — never ever — a safe bet. Kentucky has lost twice this season on the last play of the game. The Gators. Ole Miss. And would have had a the hat trick were Rocky Top not so inept and had one more play. Kentucky is bowl eligible and sits at 3 up 3 down in league play. Vandy is ofer the SEC, and needs to win 2 of 3 against UK, Mizzou and the Vols to make it the AAMCO Depends Famous Poulan Weedeater Asparagus Bowl. Not only are the Commodores hungry for some post season swag, but they are slight faves in NashVegas where they’ve beaten the Cats thrice in a row. Derek Mason would be on the hot seat, were there any such creature on West End Avenue. Based upon nothing whatsoever, not even a hunch or coin flip, I say ‘Dores.
Virginia @ Louisville. Here’s a game, despite the presence of the most exciting player still in college pigskin, that’s got the whole pigskin planet yawning. The Cards have lost three out of four, and haven’t tackled an opponent since the turn of the century, surrendering 31 ppg, which ranks a lowly 93d in the land. The Wahoos season is impossible to figure out. Just a few weeks ago, they stood 5-1. Then proceeded to be throttled by BC and Pitt — I dunno, you tell me — then upended Georgia Tech. The Cards had last weekend off for R & R. If they lose, the fan base will immediately turn its wandering eyes to hoops, which tips off on Sunday. The Cards will win. The fans will still turn to basketball.
— Seedy K