Joan Rivers’ funeral was not the only one conducted yesterday.

Headlines across the cybergalaxy and print media alike trumpeted the demise of the Big Ten Conference.

Once known as the Big Nine Conference, born as the Western Conference, and now, if one is inclined toward arithmetical correctitude, the Big Fourteen Conference, the league has been been pronounce DOA this early on in the campaign with such headers as “Big Ten Busted After Two Weeks,” or “The Big Ten’s Really Awful, Horrible, Horrendous Weekend.”

I’ve seen the numbers, folks, and will admit, they ain’t pretty.

Wolverines 0, TD Jesus 31.

Hokey Pokey 35, Bucky Buckeye 21.

Central Michigan 38, Boilermakers 17.

Northern Illinois 23, Michael Wilbon U. 15.

The Cornhuskers needed a miracle with 20 ticks of the clock left to escape the clutches of, gulp, McNeese State.

And, what might be the most telling of all — okay, that’s hyperbole — Illinois got away from Jeff Brohm’s WKU Hilltoppers late, 32-24, but the Galloping Ghosts ghosts were really no better than the gang from Bowling Green.

Yes, a pretty dismal weekend it was, but not fatal . . . yet.

On the other hand, Bo and Woody and Crazy Legs Hirsch are not walking into the locker room this week to make it right.

Somebody else who ain’t gonna be at the helm much longer to course correct is Brady Hoke. Soon to be late of Ann Arbor, he is the coach who has rocketed to the top of the Dead Man Walking list. With a bullet.

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Another fellow, whose seat might be feeling uncomfortably warm this morning is one Charlie Strong.

Yes, Hook ‘Em Horns fans have been saying the right things in recent weeks.

“Strong’s doing it the right way. We need to be patient.”

Then again, this score doesn’t talk it swears. Book of Mormon 31, Bevo 7. In Austin.

Listening to their heart of Lone Star hearts, a few of those oil guys have already been in contact with Nick Saban. With promises of $25 mill/ season, the governorship upon retirement from the sideline, deeds in fee simple absolute to the entire cities of Lubbock, Waco and El Paso and the promise that Jerry Jones will clean his glasses.

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The newcomer on that DMW list? After only two games in the director’s chair?

Here’s a hint. 37-7. 41-3.

Vanderbilt Commodore Derek Mason, come on down.

And, remember Mike Leach. Well, he’s at Washington State now. His Cougars rebounded from an opening week upset at home to Rutgers, with another loss at Nevada.

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I’m not sure I’ve fully grasped what was up with Southern Cal AD Pat Haden?

Somebody on the sideline, during the Stanford game in Palo Alto, texted him to come down and argue with the zebras after his new coach Steve Sarkisian had been flagged for a sideline infraction? Or for arguing with the refs? Or for scratching himself with his headset and getting a boo boo on his arm and needing a band aid with daisies on it?

* * * * *

The best performance of the weekend by a player you’ve probably never heard of?

Eastern Washington QB Vernon Adams threw 7 TD passes in a low scoring 52-59 L at Washington. On a green field no less. FCS power EWU, as you might know, plays on a red field that makes the turf at Boise look absolutely bucolic.

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One thing from the slate of tussles yesterday by the play for pay guys.

I’ve said it before, but allow me to repeat myself for the umpteenth time.

I love, love, love, love “NFL Red Zone.”

No commercials. No need for the clicker. All the good plays from all the games all afternoon.

It’s a couch potato’s dream, I tell ya.

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And, to close it out here, for now anyway, a shout out to my Oregon Ducks.

The Quack attacked. Displaying a hearty resilience previously nowhere to be seen, The Team With Unis came back against a very good squad from Sparty and carried the day in Eugene.

Quack.

— Seedy K