Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And I’m not talking THE Ohio State University.
But I digress with that hint o’ schadenfreude so loathe am I to face reality. But I cannot ignore my own failings any longer, as I face a season on the brink.
Last weekend I was 1-4, the worst slate ever in the history of SDKPPP. 30-25 for the season. Woe is me.
So, I’ve taken the steps that any right thinking head coach on the Dead Man Walking list would take. I’ve fired my entire staff. I’ve scrapped my system and gone back to the drawing board. I cleaned out my hard drive. Put new batteries in my wireless mouse and keyboard. Taken a meeting with Joey the Vig in search of encouraging words. Listened to tapes of Nick Saban’s press conferences for the last decade. Asked Jim Bakker for a special blessing. Donned a hair shirt with the logo of every school Lane Kiffin has coached.
I am not deterred. I forge ahead.
This week’s winners:
Georgia @ Auburn. Now this one is Real Big Time Football. At least that’s what the Paul Finebaum acolytes would have us believe. At least the ones who don’t own 75 Roll Damn Tide ballcaps. And, truth be told, they’d be right with this one this season, though we’re really tired of hearing how good the SEC is. Kirby Smart appears the real deal. His Bulldogs haven’t lost. Even left South Bend after delivering a haymaker to TD Jesus. But, Auburn is not, as my mother would say, chopped liver. The Plainsmen’s only two Ls were in Death Valley I and Death Valley II. So topsy turvy has this season turned out, I’m thinking another spoiler is upon us. Toomer gets toilet papered.
Iowa @ Wisconsin. Here’s a battle between a couple B10 schools that always seem misunderestimated on the gridiron. The Hawkeyes appear to beat some top squad every year. At least when they play them in Iowa City. The Buckeyes last weekend. The Wolverines last season. But this encounter with the undefeated and underappreciated and — some say — untested Badgers is at Camp Randall. Where, it must be pointed out, Iowa won during its magical ’15 campaign. Wisconsin’s signature W of its nine this year was over, uh, well, nobody really. OK, Northwestern. In regulation. The Badgers have been consistently excellent for half a decade now, without much acclaim. Which the Big Cheese Nation craves. Wisconsin. Meaning they’ll be celebrating in New Glarus at Glarner Stube, home of the world’s largest urinal.
Notre Dame @ Miami. How did this ever get scheduled? We’ve all seen the 30 for 30. Oh yeah, the Irish are obligated to play so many ACC schools every season, even though they remain :independent” but capable of stealing a league bowl slot. And, begosh and begorren, this turns out to be a legit Top 10 battle. Notre Dame lost only once, by a single digit, to the top team in the country. Miami’s record is unblemished, and somewhat enhanced after besting the Hokies last week. Because ND always always always gets the benefit of the doubt, and because the punditocracy still doesn’t fully believe in the ‘Canes, the South Benders are looked upon as faves, even though the game is in FLA. Because, Mark Richt is a nice dude, and Brian Kelly is a putz. Convicts.
Kentucky @ Vanderbilt. The Wildcats always do what they always do, thus UK is never — never ever — a safe bet. Kentucky has lost twice this season on the last play of the game. The Gators. Ole Miss. And would have had a the hat trick were Rocky Top not so inept and had one more play. Kentucky is bowl eligible and sits at 3 up 3 down in league play. Vandy is ofer the SEC, and needs to win 2 of 3 against UK, Mizzou and the Vols to make it the AAMCO Depends Famous Poulan Weedeater Asparagus Bowl. Not only are the Commodores hungry for some post season swag, but they are slight faves in NashVegas where they’ve beaten the Cats thrice in a row. Derek Mason would be on the hot seat, were there any such creature on West End Avenue. Based upon nothing whatsoever, not even a hunch or coin flip, I say ‘Dores.
Virginia @ Louisville. Here’s a game, despite the presence of the most exciting player still in college pigskin, that’s got the whole pigskin planet yawning. The Cards have lost three out of four, and haven’t tackled an opponent since the turn of the century, surrendering 31 ppg, which ranks a lowly 93d in the land. The Wahoos season is impossible to figure out. Just a few weeks ago, they stood 5-1. Then proceeded to be throttled by BC and Pitt — I dunno, you tell me — then upended Georgia Tech. The Cards had last weekend off for R & R. If they lose, the fan base will immediately turn its wandering eyes to hoops, which tips off on Sunday. The Cards will win. The fans will still turn to basketball.
— Seedy K
I know you can’t pick against the home team at Papa Johns. But I gotta tell ya: Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus. He wears a red suit. He can’t tackle and he will bring you a W for Christmas. It’s called a gift. Hoos.
Sweet Honey in the Rock! We have now traveled into the land beyond the blindfolded monkey with a dartboard and that, gentle readers, is no place that anybody who dares put to the Swami headdress is loathe to go. Seriously, we are talking about predictions that would make a bookie salivate. Predictions that make the Chicago Tribune headline “Dewey beats Truman!” look like Nostradamus. Predictions that make the pollsters that said Hillary was a mortal lock in 2016 look like the guys who bought Amazon in 1997. We are talking about predictions that if you put you paycheck behind them would cause men of Samson-like strength to weep. Duck! Dive! Hide! Run! Don’t go near these things. Toxic does not begin to describe them.
Sage words, I suppose, for any commenter with the ID Wildcat would surely understand losing more than most everybody else.
Ok, now time to dial 1 800 Los(t) Wage(s)….money line here I come! If you can go 4-1 again this week, I will be forever thankful!
Guys, it’s not about if the predictions are right or wrong. I’ts about the beautiful prose.
Can I get a Witness, can I get a Hallelujah, for my main man, Birdie King. He, unlike the rest of you nagging nabobs of negativitude, gets it. Bless you, BK. May ye naysayers, ye of little faith, ye of little understanding of the yin and yang of life, may ye boil in the stew of your own bile and gleeful observations of the hard times of others.
Seedy, I didn’t know that you and the B-King were related! Congrats!
Still, I am trying to garner what we nagging nabobs aren’t getting? Is it tremendous insight into college football prognostication on a PhD. level? Is it 10-star locks upon which we can enrich our bottom lines? I agree we are NOT getting those most desireable nuggets each week as we breathlessly await your “picks”—use of coin flip or not.
What we are getting is good belly laughs reading the consistently poor selections of your hand-picked games of the week, UofL and UbaK excluded. And not even against the spread, at that.
Truly, what we nabobs enjoy most on a global level is to read your comments and immediately discount your reasoning so we can make informed decisions on what really is going to happen each weekend. Kinda like a “Wrong-way Leonard’s Losers” if you will.
Plus, we love you to death and you write kinda pretty, too.
I have a Spotted Cow chilling for Iowa-UW. Scary game for the Badgers with the hated Wolverines coming up the following week.
Well, Seedy K may have given the Badgers his own unique kiss o’ death. Hope not. Understand, mitchells, you are not alone in this crowd. Wildcat, f/k/a Wildcat Willie, having matriculated in Madison, is also known in some parts as Badger Billy.
Way to go. 4-1….the right way, for a change….But, I gotta ask….did you really pick 4 losers and then just reverse them for publication? Have your grandchild make the picks? Use a dart board? Or, something like that?
The Swami got the two toughest games right ! That would be Auburn over GA and the U over ND. Credit deserved.