Footballishness: Realignment Therapy

It’s been a running joke of mine for decades.

Invoked at moments in my mundane existence, when getting in touch with an inner Ken Kesey levity would be nice.

Where are those acid flashbacks now that I really need them, the ones our finger-wagging elders warned us about back in the day ? A few kandy-colored tracers wouldn’t be a bad thing now and again, as long as I’m not behind the wheel.

Little do I want, however, a brown acid bummer. Like the only one of mine experienced at a Chicago concert at Memorial Coliseum. Twas a very weird evening.

Anyway, that’s kind of how it felt to this college football analyst (of my own mind) with all this seismic plate-shifting conference rejiggering. Which kicked way up a notch recently, as if Emeril dumped a whole bottle of hot sauce in the roux he was concocting.

What’s coming this year is relatively benign. Four new schools in the Big Whatever.

But next season we got a transcontinental sea change a comin’. (Mixed metaphor used.)

Bicoastal nonsense. Accepting the non-presence of PAC 0.

With more possibly, hopefully not, on the way.

At any rate, to cope I have just completed Part I of a College Sports Realignment Assimilation Conversion Therapy course, presented by the Bear Bryant Institute. Part II is next summer.

It was, shall I share, not the most enjoyable of weekends. Made couples marriage therapy seem a walk in Cherokee Park.

It was a combination of Kubrickian eye-lid stretching, listening on tape loop for two hours to a couple of Lawrence Welk’s regulars — Gail and Dale — singing “One Toke Over the Line,” and eating scorpions in the outback with Bear Grylls.

There was some real psychoanalyzing about. As when, in a session with a shrink, I shared how when my parents bought a set of Encyclopedia Britannica, the first thing I looked up was the Rose Bowl.

Oh, how maple syrup voiced Mel Allen must be turning in his grave. Along with Hallie Woods, the first of that long line of Tournament of Roses Queens.

So, yeah, what is they say, the only constant is change? Or something to that effect.

And, if you are now wondering, what the hell is Seedy K talking about, think how I feel having actually written this shtick.

My point, it’s wacky crazy out there.

 * * * * *

As for some actual football stuff, there’s this.

Your inveterate pigskin prognosticator shall be back for another season.

Five (or so) surefire predictions shall be posted each Wednesday afternoon, commencing with Week 0, just a couple weeks and change away.

Among those battles being considered are Navy/ND in Dublin, UMass @ New Mexico State, Ohio @ San Diego State, Hawaii @ Vandy, FIU at La Tech, and featured on the PAC 0 Network, San Jose St @ Southern Cal.

Anyone who wants to join on a weekly basis, matching wits with the Best of Best (in my mind), come on down.

 * * * * *

A warning about the upcoming campaign.

If players on your favorite team aren’t familiar, it’s the new deal.

There were 2400 or so student-athlete footballers who entered the transfer portal. 300 more or less for the second time.

The average roster turnover was something like 18+ per school. Or, so I’ve read. (You think I actually figured these numbers myself? Silly you.)

The positions with most guys moving around are DBs and Wideouts.

There were 98 QBs, with 50% of them likely to start at their latest destination.

Have I mentioned how I’m really not good with change?

Or, how the night I returned from that therapy, a smoke alarm inexplicably went off in my place, not once but twice?

Yes, Pigskin Lovers, this dude is ready for kickoff.

— Seedy K



One thought on “Footballishness: Realignment Therapy

  1. Wowzer…can one get a contact tracer from just reading your stuff? Reading this, uh, enlightening post, reminded me of one of my favorite Mad Men episodes when Roger dropped some acid. For someone who listened to the finger wagging and didn’t partake, that tv show and your above article brought me about as close as I would ever want to come to trippin’ out..

    As for you football challenge, when you start picking against the spread, count me in, til then, I will just giggle at your prognostications…

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