“You can’t tell the players without a program!”

When I was a yout (Cousin Vinny pronunciation), that was the first thing you’d hear when walking into the gym or ballpark or stadium.

Yes, kids, in the days of yesteryore, you could actually purchase a collectable booklet with lineups, bios, stories about the teams and players alongside ads from the local hardware store and Dizzy Whiz.

Today, the question is whether the foe of your favorite team is in the same league or not?

Programs would help.

Which I really needn’t advise anyone who has paid the slightest bit of attention to the erupting college sports landscape.

July 1 was the day the plates shifted, and the lava started spewing.

It may slow when we get used to it. But there shall be flare ups.

Like the must see moment when new Texas baseball coach Jim Schlossnagle walks out with the lineup card for the Longhorns first game back in College Station.

Yo, Jim, you know those shields riot cops carry when trying to quell an uprising in the streets? 360 protection, my man.

Anyway, it’s a new day. A new reality.

Well, actually it came about for some last year.

Like, oh for the Cincy, which found pigskinning a smidge more challenging in its new step up league.

Apparently the coach of the Bearcats was caught unaware.

“What really stood out was how tough the league was from top to bottom. You have to show up every week in this league or you’re going to get beat.”

Uh, duh!!!

Scott Satterfield’s squad finished in the cellar.

So, anyhow, after adding a fourburger last year, the Big 16 welcomes the corner schools this time around. Utah, Arizona, Arizona State and Colorado.

At some point in the future, the denizens of the Little Apple, a town that prides itself on its Midwesterness, shall be inundated with Neon.

The aforementioned Texas and Oklahoma, who instigated these cataclysmic events, are now officially on board in the League That Cares More.

Washington, Oregon, Southern California and the University of California Los Angeles are now members of the Big 18.

Leaving Oregon State and Washington State, dazed and confused, wandering about in the wasteland of the PAC 2.

Because them academic schools Cal and Stanford are now members of the A&PCC.

Along with Southern Methodist University, whose loyal to the max billionaire alums (private equity and oil moolah) helped buy their way in.

So the bicoastal conglomerata is now 18 strong. For all sports that is except football, where Notre Dame remains what we used to call back in my frat boy days, a social member.

Unless of course Florida State and Clemson are able to finagle their way out of the contract they signed to be in ACC.

In which case, those conference carousel horses shall come flying off their moorings battering the kids nearby savoring cotton candy.

As for the Group of Five leagues, you’ll have to figure it out for yourselves. My head is already spinning like Goldie Hawn’s and Meryl Streep’s in “Death Becomes Her.”

OK, we’ll end with a Pop Quiz. No Blue Books necessary.

Without going to the Google, who can name the singular non-football playing member school of the American Athletic Conference?

Don Pardo, tell ’em what they win.

“The first with the correct answer wins an Official Seedy K Awkward Syntax Decoder Wheel.”

As soon as they arrive on a slow boat from China.

— c d kaplan