Post scrimmage coachspeak has turned to ultrababel.

College football scribes are down to seeds and stems, taken for content requirements to ranking the best marching bands in CUSA and all.

It’s so close. A week from Week 0.

Meaning it’s time for the snarkiest of preseason posits.

Coaching Hot Seat Lists.

They are based on past records, the number of stupid quotes, how many assistants have been fired in the off season multiplied by speeding arrests at 2:00 in the morning, a conversation at the local pub with the cousin of the guy who lives next door to Brian Kelly’s AD. Then factoring in the proper stat from the Bill Battle Index, how many For Sale signs have appeared in the coach’s front yard since last campaign’s season ending L.

Cue the Coltrane. It’s one of My Favorite Things.

Such that I’ve taken it one step beyond with peckish nomenclature: Dead Men Walking List.

Which I shall reveal soon enough.

But I have to start with a visit up Ann Arbor way, with a quick side visit to LA.

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Michigan’s penalties for former staffer Connor Stalions stealing future foes signs has been levied.

Talk about tariffs.

Major financial these sanctions. Tens of millions possible.

What I find most interesting about the ruling, the following statement about former coach Jim Harbaugh, Michigan Man to the core he wears as a  badge..

Harbaugh displayed “little if any emphasis on following the rules.”

Can’t stop smiling.

True to himself Charger head man Harbaugh was ever “contrite” when commenting as follows after he was banned from college sports for this and his next two lifetimes.

“No engament,” he said at least twice when asked at a Charger press conference.

But, there is this from sometime in the close aftermath of the scandal breaking.

“Never lie. Never cheat. Never steal. I was raised with that lesson. I’ve raised my family on that lesson. I have preached that lesson to the teams that I’ve coached. No one’s perfect. If you stumble, you apologize and you make it right. Today, I do not apologize. I did not participate, was not aware nor complicit in those said allegations.”

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

Hail to the Victors, and all that.

As for Stalions, who designated his posse of sign stealers the “KGB,” he threw his phone in a lake so he wouldn’t have to surrender it to the Infractions Committee.

Since being fired by Michigan — ostensibly — Stalions’ career has taken, let us say, an interesting turn.

A short stint as DC at Mumford HS in Detroit. Yeah, Axel Foley was wearing a school sweatshirt in “Beverly Hills Cop.” And it’s the alma mater of my cousins in the early 60s.

Then he landed oddly as the post season OC at Belleville (Michigan) HS. Regular season had concluded.

Where he coached, for a couple of games anyway, #1 QB recruit Bryce Underwood, who had a teammate on the other side of the ball, Elijah Dotson.

Both of which players, out of the blue — out of the Go Blue — flipped their commitments after Stalions’ time on the sideline, from LSU and Pitt.

To, imagine our surprise, that bastion of  academic integrity, the University of Michigan.

One has to believe when Mr. Stalions is visiting Ann Arbor, he won’t have to pay for his corned beef sandwich at Zingerman’s.

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Now to those who are having nightmares with a guillotine in their sleep at night on the couch in their office.

Dead Men Walking.

Caveat, a few Ws and this status dissolves.

Ask Billy Napier who had the hottest of britches before last season..

The Florida Gator head man was saved by a four game win streak to end the season. And a forgiving AD, Scott Stricklin.

Napier’s reward this upcoming campaign. Four games in a row against LSU, Miami, Texas and Texas A&M. All but the Longhorns on the road. Plus league games against Georgia, Tennessee and a visit to Oxford Town.

Good Luck with that. His neck might be getting twitchy come mid October.

Others who should be concerned, in no particular order.

Sam Pittman at Arkansas. His OC: Salvatore Tessio, er Robert Petrino.

Scott Satterfield at Cincinnati. He’s 8-16 in the Queen City, 4-14 in the Big 12, and plays upticking Nebraska in the opener.

Mark Stoops. A Cat fan told me one of his rumored replacements: Jon Gruden. Really? Jimbo would jump to the Bluegras in a second.

Brian Kelly at LSU. Mentiond because he’s such an unlovable target. His three predecessors all won a natty by year 4. This is Kelly’s fourth season in Baton Rouge. No pressure dude.

Luke Fickell at Wisconsin.  Boffo at Cincy, not so as HC in the Big 10. Was 6-7 as interim at Ohio State, 13-13 in Madison.

Lincoln Riley at Southern Cal. From 11-3 > 8-5  > 7-6.

Brent Venables at Oklahoma. 22-17 in three years. Three straight post season Ls, to Florida State in the Cheez-It, Arizona at the Alamo, and Naval Academy in Armed Forces.

Mike Gundy at Okie State. He’s just a putz.

Hugh Freeze at Auburn. 11-14, an L to New Mexico State and lots more on the Plains, where they know how to pull the plug.

— c d kaplan